double doodie bags

DOUBLE DOODIE BAGS

Double Doodie Bags are a product you take camping. You befoul them with your body waste, seal them up and throw them in the municipal landfill where some poor schmuck digging for aluminum cans to support his meth habit unknowingly opens them up and is showered with fecal matter as the methane gases swell the bag and manufacture a crap grenade. This product came about, I am positive, simply because modern American man has become so lazy he can’t even conceive of digging a hole in the woods anymore but must use a manufactured product to separate himself from his waste products. The affluent Yuppie scum drive an RV into the woods so as not to deprive themselves of running water to flush their waste with ( and so that they are never more than a few hours without TV or a ice cold beer ). Those in the lower economic spectrum just under Yuppie’s must be content to buy Double Doodie Bags and a plastic pail to put them in. The economic level under them must resort to actual labor and dig their own crap holes. So, our economy is divided by how hard it is to go pinch a loaf. The super rich have a toilet that squirts water on their ass at which time they ring a bell and Pedro the illegal from El Salvador comes along with soft linen and wipes the Masters ass for him. Those that actually have to work for a living are allowed the luxury of running water to carry their waste away, but no water is spared to clean off their ass at that time ( water saving measures ) and they must do their own wiping. The dregs of society are not allowed running water since they refuse to live with a mortgage and zoning laws.
*
When I first heard of Double Doodie bags I was somewhat excited. A relatively cheap and easy way to dispose of body waste. I already had a bucket and lid/seat but as time ran out and I moved without realizing I had already taken that item to the new area on my first trip up. So I bought the Wal-Mart version for twenty bucks. I installed my first Double Doodie bag and waited with child like excitement for my first off-grid dump. I hadn’t been this excited about a new toy since I saved up for my first G.I. Joe Full Size Jeep With Towed Cannon. And not the cheap pieces of crap that are four inches tall but the full size one foot tall Joe with jeep at that appropriate scale. I mean, what kind of fast one were they trying to pull on us? If I had been born just a few years too late I would have been stuck with smaller size Action Figures ( real boys don’t play with dolls ) rather than the ones you could buy different uniforms and weapons for. Next to the jeep purchase, it was almost as exciting to buy a brand new set of Joe clothes. Like the sailor suit with the orange juice squeezer hat and M-1 Garand, or the jungle combat unit with Tommy Gun and helmet with net. Generations of children were ripped off when they shrunk Joe down in size, if for no other reason that you couldn’t dress him up anymore. Or shave his head into a Mohawk or High & Tight. I even shaved off one side of his beard once, just because I could. Ah, good times!
*
The first Doodie Deposit went well. It was a bit uncomfortable, being unable to do the one cheek lean for wiping. One had to carefully remove any dangerous Cling-Ons and then stand up to finish wiping, surely a hilarious site if one was silly enough to look in the mirror. The second deposit was less than ideal. As soon as the lib was opened a hideous cloud of poisonous gases engulfed the unfortunate user. Fortunately I had read a few reviews of our product in question prior to purchase and had remembered the advice on sprinkling any leavings with baking soda. The box claimed odor control but as I saw it this was on par with National Enquirer claims to UFO sightings or first hand reports from Las Vegas from a reporter eating lunch with Elvis and Hoffa. The chemicals in the bag did not form a gel to control odor, nor did they form a gel at all. To be fair this could have been my fault as I didn’t initially urinate into the bag. Perhaps it took a lot of water to turn the powder in the bottom into a gel. But if I had done that the bag surely would not have lasted longer than a day or two. And at $2 a pop ( from Wal-Mart no less ) it is bad enough the bag doesn’t last longer than two or three days for two people.
*
I understand that most of you are squirming in your seats and raising your hand to be recognized and passing notes to your classmates claiming I am a complete idiot for not using another method such as a sawdust toilet or whatnot. I could use a composting toilet, an outhouse, a portable chemical toilet to dispose of at a RV dump site. I chose this way for the low cost and the less-pain-in-the-butt factor. Eventually I am going to be independent of the need for a motor vehicle. But for now as I do laundry in town and haul water this is an easy and cheap way. So accept this way of waste disposal works best for me. Now, to continue my turd travails. The smell problem and the cost factor worked against this product. Not only that, but about half the time after using and sealing the damn bag popped open and spilled. The Double Doodie bag is best envisioned as a big garbage sack inside an oversized Ziplock bag. The Ziplock sits on the bottom of the toilet and the garbage sack is unfolded and opened, resting over the bucket and under the seat. You fill, tie the sack and tuck it into the Ziplock, sealing the outer bag. The problem is that the outer bag, although very thick plastic, has a substandard zip lock. The slightest cross eyed look and it pops open. And even though we use the regular trailer toilet to urinate in ( and a grey water system to dispose of ) when one is voiding the bowels there can sometimes be the inevitable urination. So there is a disgusting fecal soup in the bag after a few days. The flies smell it from miles away and converge.
*
I started using pine shavings from the pet department of Wal-Mart to help with the odor problem ( works much better than the baking soda ), under three bucks for a big bag that lasts months. So I had to ask myself, why am I buying these Doodie Bags? Just for the plastic. And crappy plastic at that. So I decided to make my own Double Doodie bags. The toilet is lined with a thirty gallon kitchen trash bag. At the bottom is some cat litter, to highlight and catch any drippings. I have free cat litter to use since I scoop out the cats box each day and at the end of the week I change the litter. That litter has no turds in it, only urine. I reuse it on my Doodie Bags since it is going to soak up waste anyway. And you thought used cat litter couldn’t be recycled. I place the bags in a 12 quart kitchen trash can that I cut down a few inches to fit in a five gallon bucket ( which has the snap on seat ). Inside the big bag I place in a Wal-Mart plastic bag ( the ones with handles ), also with a cup or two of litter in the bottom. On top of that litter I place a piece of newspaper. Then one more Wal-Mart bag on top of that with a cup of litter on the bottom and a handful of pine shavings. If nothing leaks past the second bag I simply tie up the top bag after three or four days when it is half full ( remember, this is for two people ). If the leaks go all the way through the outer bag catches it and I then replace that. Each bag is tied up and so you have two or three bags sealed up in each other. It is now hard to smell what is inside.
*
Each week I go to the city public park, fill up my water jugs and throw away my trash in the dumpsters. One large black plastic trash bags holds two Doodie Bags and all my household garbage. My cost is under fifty cents for one or two trash bags and a few cups of pine shavings. It sure beats $4 just in Double Doodie Bags.
END
Look for another article on Friday