my kingdom for some fries

MY KINGDOM FOR SOME FRIES


I placed a book order today with my regular book budget money and the extra generous donation from a minion and I was so excited that I just had to share. Retrieved From The Future, One Straw Revolution, Outposts, Brave New War, Diderot Pictorial Vol. 2, End Of Days fiction anthology, Gun Monkeys from the same guy that did Go-Go Girls Of The Apocalypse, The Practical Guide To Man Powered Weapons, Extraordinary Popular Delusions and, because I had a few bucks left, Food Drying Techniques. That part of the donation went swimmingly. I love it when books are on the way, a never ending year round Christmas where Santa is a jolly old hermit sequestered away in his own gigantic library. The other part of my donation, French fries, did not fair so well.

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Lacking a useful hobby other than trying to sound educated enough to pontificate my drivel to the masses, I sometimes go off on a Holy Quest. Once, while living in Florida, I peddled all over the Daytona Beach metro area weekend after weekend in search of a near obsolete video game player for no other reason than it could play “Risk”. Me and a buddy loved to drink beers ( this is when I still had a social life and knew know to relax ) and play game after game. While that might sound like no big deal, biking in Florida is ripe with hazards such as 99% humidity, swarming clouds of bloodsucking insects, swarming clouds of pesticides to kill the insects, alligators, the need to pass through ghettos and the most dangerous of all, little old ladies behind the wheel. It might be the butt of late night talk show comedians, but there is a reason the region has insurance rates twice as high as other states. Another Holy Quest, one that is on the back burner as it never ends, is my psychotic obsession with stockpiling disposable razors for post-apocalypse barter. The dollar store had twenty four packs of double blades for a buck each. So I bought ten of them even though I have no use for another twenty years worth of shaving gear. I guess I want to be the king of shavers after we emerge from our fallout shelters. But, to the point. My newest quest is for a decent tasting French fry, and all indicators point to my continued disappointment.

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The general state of today’s French fry is indicative of the state of America as a country and economy. Let’s not even beat around the bush here. Any national fast food chain you visit is going to serve up an ever shrinking bag of potato flavored offal. We might as well call them Fried French Cut Turds. How can an industry that turned the country into beef eaters ( prior to WWII the average American ate predominately pork, a more efficient animal on the family farm ) and made the French fry the number one vegetable dish as far as yearly consumption be in such a sad state of affairs? I mean, the friggin French fry is most likely the most profitable item they offer, several cents raw material cost for each retail dollar. Soda might be cheaper, until you realize that the refill can cut into the mark-up. So for them to be cutting back on the size and drastically cutting into the quality tells me the bastards are in serious trouble. Look at Wal-Mart. They went after the shrinking middle class and abandoned the growing lower class. Such desperation can only mean they over expanded so much that they are just watching the clock on their funeral. Now, look at some fast food chains. Wendy’s used to be a great value menu. Then they shrunk the sizes and raised the cost twenty and thirty percent. Their fries were always crap, but now they cost more.McDonalds hasn’t had good fries since they went from beef tallow to beef flavored soy oil. But now you can’t even get them hot. At first I was thinking they were just screwing me personally. Then I figured they were saving the hot fries for the fat bitches in the drive through line. But, I calmed down and realized that the real reason is that after the slimey twat sued the chain for burning her crotch with coffee, may her foul genitals be burned in the fires of Hell for all of eternity, they won’t serve anything at a temperature above a glob of spit cooling on a patch of ice.

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A couple of weeks ago I stopped at Burger King. I do that about once a month when I start craving enzymes. I get the Whopper junior as it is a pretty tasty salad on a bun. Since I had started really craving French fries at this point I bought two servings from the value menu ( along with two juniors, all of which barely touched my stomach-$4 down the crap hole of corporate greed ). They weren’t bad, but certainly nothing to write home about. Look, people, I pretty much make sacrifices everyday in relation to food. I cook simple and eat simple, just going for calories and nutrition rather than taste. Is it so friggin much that I ask for one food, one food I only buy as a treat, to taste decent? The last good fries I had were in In N Out in Carson City. They are predominantly a Southern California chain that does everything backwards from conventional wisdom, and succeeds in almost everything while others fail. They don’t go in debt to expand. They only have a few items on the menu, the same from sixty years ago. The fries are fresh cut from raw spuds every day ( I wish I knew what they were doing, as my fresh cut potatoes taste like crap fried up ). They pay a premium to their workers. Etc. The rest of the fast food industry, at least the nation wide ones, are right next to Wal-Mart, dinosaurs waiting to die along with cheap oil and excessive credit. And they are using their French fries as a life preserver.

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May a black pox be visited upon their houses! I can’t even get a decent serving of fries at the casino with my prime rib special. Do all these people read the same industry publications? 101 steps to lowering quantity to wring out the last profits before bankruptcy. Most people eat out more than eat in, at least until recently. I think it is a good wager that most will eat a lot of fries each week ( I used to eat them everyday when I got my meals for free while working at the casino-they tasted like crap but the cook at the snack bar was a natural redhead with quite the rack ). And each one is being over charged and given poor quality. Another money making scheme from the top ten percent to dismantle the middle class and suck the last disposable income from our grasp. Okay, it is most likely just the chains trying to stay alive. They are probably also watering down the soda and buying discounted hamburger from the factory floor. But I’m sure some will find its way to our money masters. It is bad enough they are stealing the globes resources for themselves. It is a crime against nature that they are screwing with my French fries.

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