blissful ignorance

BLISSFUL INNOCENCE


I am so good, I’m like a mind reader. I, Jim the Magnificent, First Amongst Equals Amongst Clairvoyants, know exactly what you are thinking. Good Friggin Gravy, you roll your eyes, exhaling dramatically with flapping lips and much spittle, not MORE on the Super Deluxe Impending Doom Of Global Grain Shortages. Yes. I am afraid so. Not that it is my fault, you brought it on yourself. I’m not like some writers that latch on to some idiotic concept of global destruction like chicken flu  ( The Fried Chicken Flu [HD] ) where a perfect set of conditions must be met such as a lustful poultry owner needs to molest his flock on the third Sunday of a Summer month and infect an airline passenger traveling to three hours later, where it is introduced into the tuberculosis sanitarium. Okay, actually I like all the possibilities of doomsday. But some are more probable than others, such as the perfect storm of decreasing oil supplies intersecting with population growth with weather extremes meeting global soil infertility. Of course, being able to read your mind does not mean I can foretell the week of the collapse. Which I’ve already told you by the way ( the first payday after the graduation of my son- he is starting 11th grade and I get paid every two weeks, the last one yesterday. You do the math. And, BTW, those anal licking toads in Florida are in official “ignore” mode now [ may their McMansions be flooded by the Gore Warming [ Stop global warming, live like Al Gore - funny bumper stickers (Medium 10x2.8 in.) ] rise in sea levels, ghetto mobs lynch them when the welfare checks stop, their SUV flip over and crush them and swarms of nanobots infest their livers, the civil servant pukes ]. It looks like I get to pay child support for a legal adult for two years, staying at home or not. Child support is understandable, ex-whore support is inexcusable if women are indeed equal. Don’t get me started, just send more money to offset my extra five grand expenses. HEY! I just warned you when the sudden collapse comes, you ingrates ). Now, the good news is that I’m not devoting all of today’s space to remind you that you are an idiot if you don’t have your grain bought or in route through the mail, just in case. Just this first paragraph. The bad news is you have to read this to get to the regular article. Here is today’s Global Grain update. Pakistan, the country, has 20% of its land mass under water right now. An area the size of Britain is flooded. And since this is level low lying land the odds are a good part of that is grain fields. This isn’t some Podunk county off the Mississippi seeing a flood, this is a populous country ( one city has almost 20 million ) that will need to import a lot of wheat soon. But, hey, since it has always worked out before, don’t bother to panic. All is well. Move along, nothing to see here.

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Yesterday I amazed myself. You might think that this is so ordinary that I wouldn’t bother to mention it but then perhaps you haven’t been reading here long enough to realize that even if there isn’t something to love about myself I’ll just make it up. I just made a flippant remark about non-prepper wives in passing. And that turn of phrase please me mightily. So I decided to expand it into an article. I would say, if you don’t like it send a guest article, but not only do I have no bribes for you, you are paralyzed with fear at the most likely outcome of such an action being that your pathetic earthling attempts pale in comparison to mine. Hey, don’t take it personally. It’s not like there is any comparison on who has the best hair, either. Anyway, I said that it was your duty to ignore the wishes of a non-prepping spouse because they were obviously incapable of rational thought and had to be guided. Or something like that. I could look it up, but then you wouldn’t have to and I would miss the fact that you might click on an ad that made me money. And, before we start, I’m picking on wives, but it could just as easily be a husband. I say wives because 90% of readers are male. Or 95%. Whatever. I’m sorry if you are a minority ( Minority Report [Blu-ray] ) here. I love you, but I can’t protect you from myself.

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You lie to your children to protect them, right? Johnny, if you continue to masturbate your palms will grow hair. Sally, if you keep picking your butt after not wiping good, a monster will come out from under your bed and scare you. Why should you take this vaccine loaded with mercury and other toxins? Because what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. And, the worst lie, if you eat your vegetables you will grow up big and strong. LIES!!!! GROSS DECIETFUL LIES!!! I was force fed vegetables, their putrid passage lubricated by an act of compassion and concern. My mother tried to kill me with fungus and I didn’t grow up stronger, or bigger. I’m the runt of the male side of our clan. THE HUMANITY! ( Apocalypse Now - The Complete Dossier (Two-Disc Special Collector's Edition) ) But, back to the point. You lie to those you love. You do it because you love them. Let’s assume you actually love your wife. You aren’t just staying because of fear of financial devastation, or from fear of never getting laid again. You love the stupid, ignorant bitch and want her to survive the apocalypse with you. Why, I don’t know. But I’m the last one to judge you since I’ve done some really stupid things in the name of love. You can play all your little reindeer games, sneak in DVD’s of survival movies, talk about protecting the children. Whatever. It won’t work. The wife refuses to think that the old survival plan of money is invalid. You can’t talk reason to those guided by a different reality. You don’t live in the same universe. So stop being a Tampon Tonya and man up and do the right thing. Lie and cheat. Steal the money, hide the supplies ( which is also beneficial when you are being threatened with torture for their location- claim that only the wife knows. Then, once she is dead the supplies are still safe and you get double ). If you don’t want to leave the worthless shoe consumer, you are going to have to get the needed supplies another way. This is it. What? You don’t think she doesn’t have a stash of secret cash for when she plans on leaving you? Silly boy. Wives that ignore reality, that are innocent of the ways of the world, that dwell in a happy place, they are like children. There is nothing wrong with lying to them if it protects them in the end. As the rational one, you know your duty as the protector and provider. If she finds out, blame it on me. I’ll call her a stupid twat and then she’ll hate me instead. You’re welcome.
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