fundamentals-nuke bread

FRIDAY FUNDAMENTALS-NUKE BREAD


One of these days real soon now ( unless of course the three or four year old trend of oil import declines [ we did import 70% of our oil before the decreases ] magically changes course after we all stand in a circle and throw pixie dust at unicorns to reverse the laws of physics ) energy to cook your dinner is going to get really expensive. Not just “my, dear, it really costs a lot more to cook than it used to. I believe we’ll have to cancel Little Johnnies All You Can Text cell phone contract and stop going out to the movies every weekend” kind of expensive but the “Good God Lord Jesus help us all I can’t buy food and afford to cook it. We’ll have to mount an attack on the Jones’ and take his fence for cooking fuel” kind of expensive ( The Baby Jesus Butt Plug ). At that time you’ll rue the day that you mocked me and my concept of microwave bread. Nuke Bread, to those more comfortable with single syllable words, or more enamored with catchy titles. What’s not to like about a bread that is butt simple to make, fast to prepare, and cheap as can be? Other than the fact that it can taste like the rancid flattened carcass of a rabid yak if made improperly ( and even made well it won’t win any contests ), there is nothing to not like. And even when it doesn’t taste all that great it still beats a bowl of unflavored rice or a serving of oatmeal.

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Now, obviously, nuke bread is not going to make it too far into the apocalypse ( Wastelands: Stories of the Apocalypse ) unless you have quite a few solar panels or a hydro generator or a chain gang of criminals shoveling loads of wood into your steam generator ( Steam Generator Group Project: Task 10--secondary side examination ), but while you can power 800 watts you can have microwave bread. It is a frugal cooking method for the present and near future rather than for after the collapse. After the collapse you will most likely be fighting other homeless people for the wood scraps of suburbia impregnated with toxic preservatives, bloody melees breaking out as weakened skeletons battle each other with chunks of rebar. But while it is available, this is the most energy efficient method of making bread you will find ( the health issues of using a microwave are up to the individual to decide ). Take your flour and add enough water to make a thick paste in a mixing bowl. If you must put a lot of force behind stirring most likely it is too dry. This makes a very tough bread and is not recommended for those with bad teeth. If you add too much water, about pancake batter thin, it is too watery and tastes terrible. About what you would expect over watered microwaved batter to taste like. I find that dough equal to waffle batter or slightly dryer is best. Just thick enough you must use a fork ( WMF Bistro Dinner Fork, Set of 4 ) to spread the dough over the plate.

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Do not use a plastic plate. The dough sticks to it. Use a disposable Styrofoam or a ceramic plate ( make sure the ceramic glazing isn’t chipped or cracked- not only is it unhealthy, the dough will adhere to those imperfections ). I don’t know if disposable plates release toxins in the microwave ( Haier MWM0701TB Compact 2/3-Cubic-Foot 700-Watt Microwave Oven, Black ). If you are worried, stick with a regular plate. Plop on your dough, spread out with a spoon or fork, and cook in the microwave four or five minutes. Each microwave will differ, but domestic small microwaves usually need four. Turn over and repeat. Your bread is done. I eat one bread for breakfast plain and eat one for lunch with butter. Five days a week. On Sunday I splurge and eat store bought whole wheat bread ( my work week bread is half whole, half white ). My body is ready to eat a collapse diet of mostly whole wheat kernels ( Food from the kernel: Over 380 original 100% whole wheat recipes )( WHEAT BERRIES, SOFT WHITE, 10 lb Bag ). Which is one reason I eat the bread even after acknowledging it usually tastes pretty bad. It is basically a wet cardboard platter. But it is also damn cheap, costing roughly $4 for two weeks of Monday through Friday breakfast and lunch ( $1.50 for five pounds of white and $2.50 for five pounds of whole wheat flour ). It takes just minutes to mix, pour and pop into the nuker ( I make it at work when I arrive, using their grid electricity ), and rinse out the bowl. Go back to turn the bread, once again to collect the finished product. I then eat them while busy surfing the Internet or writing. This helps take my mind off its lack of taste. I’m almost sufficiently distracted.

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So, you program yourself for a collapse diet, save a lot of money and time, and are the envy of your co-workers ( okay, I’m making up that last part- I can’t even get Hippie Chick to eat the stuff and she eats juiced kale and other such slop ). Your only “cost” is putting up with the taste. You are welcome ( by the by, to the best of my knowledge this was my invention- one taste and you can see why no one else will take credit ).

END FUNDAMENTALS SECTION. MORE BELOW.

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Elko resides in a very small pocket containing an independent phone company. They were one of the few areas I couldn’t continue to get NetZero dial-up service ( even if I did have a landline ). I can’t say for sure if their service is worse, but it does seem their broadband is always going down at the first sign of bad weather ( if it is cold enough for my bike to freeze up its gears I can usually count on no morning Internet service fifty percent of the time ). Luckily for my loyal minions that smoke crack until late and then get up at 10 am, or those using their work time to read my drivel, the auto-posting worked and my article was up at 7. Sometimes that doesn’t work and if I can’t get online you get nothing. If the article isn’t up by 7:30, you will have to wait most of the day. If I get off work and the library internet is also down then you won’t hear from me for a time. I wouldn’t stress over my untimely death by CIA agent driven car or a heart attack peddling up hill until 24 hours go by. Then, good luck finding anyone as annoying and surly as myself.
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Look for guest articles this weekend.

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