microwave miracles

MICROWAVE MIRACLES


Well, so far I’ve been quite enjoying the weekend writing. You might think that after I get done solving all the world’s problems five days a week I would need two days off to rest and recuperate. I thought so to. But I’ve been having fun doing it and it actually sooths me on the weekend. Needing to vent at all the scum sucking whorehounds that somehow manage to intrude on my existence on my days off, even if it is only driving past. I’m out in the middle of Bumping Fudge, Egypt for a reason people. Go four wheel driving some damn place else. This is one huge desert and here is no way you need to irritate me. I think Elko county, not the smallest population but good enough at only around 30k, is bigger in area than a few states back east. Some of those pestilent crap holes that those Damn Yankees crowd into for no discernable reason other than they like smelling each others stink. So, little danger of this nifty little arrangement coming to an end. You lucky bastards.

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Before I begin today, a word on microwaves. Depending on who you are they are either the devils own toolbox, an invention of greedy corporations ( helped out with technology either stolen from the Nazi’s or Rockwell aliens ) or the next best thing to white sliced bread. While I don’t think they are totally harmless as claimed, if for no other reason than the illusive THEY claim it, I also think that those anal pukes in TSA with their full body scans are actually really out to kill us all and one stroll through the airport security will dose you with more radiation than half a lifetime of using the microwave. I could be wrong, but it seems silly to ignore the coincidence of declining oil, freak weather damaging crops worldwide and the sudden need for “improved” security using massive doses of death rays. At the very least you end up sterile and can’t procreate. Instant population decline. Or, you die in a few years from cancer. You go around squawking about deadly microwave ovens, what about the cell phone you have stuck up against your brain? Do you really need help getting stupider? Anyway, it is up to you to decide yourself. God knows you won’t listen to me anyway. This article is meant for those in the “sliced white bread” camp in regards to nuking your food. Don’t get pissy with me if you grow a third testicle or the two you have fall off. You chose to use this appliance.

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I love microwave ovens. They make everything about food preparation easier. Our main focus today is that they make cooking a lot cheaper, however. When the power monopolies jack up their rates to fifty cents or a buck a kilowatt hour, and you can count on it unless we get hold of some of that wonder bio-diesel the navy was experimenting with ( Oh, wait, the stuff that cost them $425 a gallon? ), you will be dancing about in ecstasy that you can cook your food and heat your water as cheap as possible. I don’t know how it compares to natural gas, but my using propane costs a lot more than using an electric microwave. Back in the day when I was in trailer parks my total electric bill was always under ten bucks ( kilowatts were 12 cents ) in the summer. That was a constant desk fan, refer, computer and TV use and cooking with the microwave. My hot water was from an electric drip coffee pot and the microwave ( half and half ). I cooked everything in the microwave. The main reason was that I didn’t want to replace the dinked up propane lines in my beater trailer ( you can’t beat the price- $700 for a 35 foot fifth wheel, with $200 in repairs which included the twenty or thirty tubes of caulking I needed ) that I had at the time. Plus I’m just naturally cheap. If I really thought using the nuker was dangerous I wouldn’t have used it. But since I’m not concerned, the low price is nice. The only thing I came across that I couldn’t cook in the microwave was fried eggs ( I can’t remember if I tried boiled or not ). You can scramble them, but otherwise they explode. I boiled rice and noodles in the microwave. Just put in about the same amount of water you would for the stovetop and cook the same amount of time ( you might need to experiment- your oven might produce different results ). The main thing is you need a microwave safe bowl.

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I bought a bowl advertised as a microwave rice cooker. It was just a wide squat bowl of heavy plastic. A bit of a rip off at $8, but it lasted for years until I tried using oil in it for something. I think I was heating up rice and margarine. I left it in too long and the end result was pitting on the bottom of the bowl in the shape of kernels. I still used it after that but watched how long oil was cooked. I cooked meat in the microwave. No, it didn’t especially taste great, but it was still meat. Ketchup or steak sauce helps disguise that. I used a ceramic plate for that. You can get all fancy with cling wrap or wax paper but I just let the crap spray and wiped it out after. Basically I just cooked like a savage bachelor would, constantly experimenting with all foods and eating them all except the few burned to carbon. No, most stuff didn’t taste great. It was limp instead of fried crisp. And of course you can’t bake ( not that I ever do ). But it cooked all I cared to eat. If it didn’t taste that great I just employed my tested and true method of taste avoidance. I watch TV or read a book or ( now ) wrote while eating. The extra activity took my mind off the slop I was pouring down my gullet. Calories are for poor folk, taste for the rich. And remember, the microwave is great for heating up water if you bleach bottle shower. While the grid is up, microwaves will save you a lot of cash. Both buying the needed oven and in energy used for preparation. You can save $1,000 just on the full size stove and hot water heater you don’t have to buy. Thank me later.

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