unemployed searching couch cushions

UNEMPLOYED SEARCHING COUCH CUSHIONS


As you may or may not be aware of in about five minutes ( longer if you need to move your lips while you read to yourself ), I didn’t have much to write about today. I mean, sure, I could go on and on about how you absolutely positively won’t survive the Apocalypse unless you buy a gun that not only uses the AR-15 system platform, it also allows you to change calibers for ONLY $600 a wack. Jumping humping friggin unfriggin believable what these Yuppie Scum will buy. Third generation night vision goggles for a bargain price of three grand? I better go get the credit card from the wife. Diesel generator cranking out ten thousand watts to power up the convection oven to heat up my MRE’s? I know my cash is right alongside my picked testicles- where did my love muffin put those? You see, I care about you my loyal minions. I don’t insult your intelligence and I don’t try to get you killed. What is the thanks I get? Complaining when I call you a bitch or a ho. Complaining when I ask that you merely thank me as you spend the Social Security payments I’m making which I’ll never see ( hell, I don’t even think badly of you, I’m just asking for gratitude rather than a sense of entitlement ). I understand that no genius is recognized in his own time, I just worry that you will all be dead before me and I’ll fail to go down in history as the Voice Of Paranoia. Anyway, as I was saying, today’s article is nothing too much to get excited about, but it is what you get. The current silliness over obscuring the collapse. Obammy’s claim that the White House couch cushions will be searched for all the money that is needed to balance the budget, the fake flap as our “perfect” bond rating is jeopardized, the retarded Florida purchase of unemployment costumes and yet another stupid claim of a recovery.

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Forgive me if I’m quoting this wrong, like that one time I wrote that Obammy said “I like to molest farm animals as my wife is shoving her really sharp wedding ring up my ass and twisting it”, which of course got taken WAYYY out of context. “We’ll look under every couch cushion and find all the waste so we don’t waste any money, since there just isn’t any to waste right now”. Or something to that effect. I’m sure his mind really wasn’t on the speech if Mrs. Obammy was standing behind him cupping his testicles through his slacks and making clucking noises. Okay, I rarely waste my time listening to that boys speeches, being contrived worse than Hillaries whose speech writer has to translate her underworld evil hissing into English, but they forced that blurb on me as I was listening to the radio while driving. Really? How much are we paying that speech writer? Number one, you don’t find a trillion dollar bill under the couch cushion, which is just the start of what we need. Number two, we all know the guy is lying worse than my ex-wife who would tell me she loved me. If he really wanted to save money the troops that were pulled out of Iraq wouldn’t have made that slight navigational error and ended up in Afghanistan. And number three, the “eliminate waste” card has been played for friggin decades. Give it a rest already. The candidate for change my sagging ass.

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Moody’s, or whoever it is that supposedly rates the Treasury bonds, caused a big hairy stink when they said they would still rate Treasury’s at the highest level of triple A but they might, sometime down the road, maybe but no promises, downgrade that if the budget wasn’t balanced. Are you dry humping me and telling me it’s the dog? Come on! The same company that kept rating all those toxic derivative assets as absolutely safe is to be believed? Seriously? These guys are unbelievable. Or perhaps I should say that we are unbelievable for thinking this was anything other than a dog and pony show. I’ve seen elementary school plays that had more believable actors. These jerkoffs can rate my ass as “delicious”.

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Florida bought something like $70k in Captain Evil Unemployment capes to give out. Because, you know, it gets so cold in Florida you need to wear a cape to wrap around you at night. People were all butt hurt. I think they said this trivializes the plight of the unemployed or something. Oh, that ain’t trivializing. How about this? ( sung to the tune of Eddie Murphy’s “Delirious” skit on the ice cream man ) “You don’t got no money, cause you’re an alcoholic, and your bitch is on the crack pipe”. Oh, he did not just go there, that little insensitive prick! The poor Yuppie Scum, in danger of losing their starter homes of only four thousand square feet. The Humanity! Listen, unemployed dudes everywhere. Let me clue you in to a little secret. The unemployment office doesn’t give two wipeless craps about you or your problems. They are there to collect a paycheck and then a pension. You are an interruption of their day. Shut the hell up and stop bothering them about how they spend their bloated budget.

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The same idiots blathering about the “speech” Obammy gave about looking under the couch cushions in search for his birth certificate also mentioned that they had proof positive that the recovery was underway. You see, government revenues were up. Why of course! Why didn’t we see that? Oh, was it because we were too busy blowing a monkey for a home video sex tape that was bound for the White House, trying to earn a couple of extra bucks to pay for our property tax that tripled in the last few years? We thought the Germans were idiots for listening to Hitler. But at least they had an excuse, as they were literally starving during hyperinflation before he came along. What is our excuse for believing this utter bloody dog crap? We don’t want to wear a sweater and turn down the thermostat? We don’t want to stop driving a hundred miles a day in our SUV? GOD! Why did you have to get me started?

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