junk warlord

JUNK WARLORD


As a quick aside, before we begin today’s descent into another yet unbeknownst layer of madness and despair, the subject of prepping with a spouse who is so flippin stupid you can’t believe you ever married her, or on second thought you can think of two reasons, both centered about midway between an ever enlarging Twinkie pouch and a mouth that never ceases its soul crushing, nails on blackboard screeching, she refuses to even entertain the notion of prepping for hard times. I won’t even stray from that one remark, as you are all aware I’ll start to say some mean things, get distracted, never properly cover the original subject at hand and leave you with a feeling of having been cheated, because, you know, the subscription price here is so unaffordable. I know in the past I’ve told you to leave the foul whore, to which you get all butt hurt and come to her defense, like I’m the one who won’t let you spend your own money. But, since having multiple divorces to my name has worked out soooo well for me, I’ll just suggest the following. Sell some of your toys. Most likely they center around electricity or petroleum, so find some other sucker to be stuck with items soon to be out of fuel. Get a part time temporary job and spend the money on yourself, which is really for the family, but the mouth breathing moronic bitch can’t see that, and don’t get me started again. Or, third, just keep sneaking in duplicates of food items. It is a lot easier to go the “buy now, inflation in food prices are killing us” route than the “we are all going to die, buy freeze dried foods now” argument. Of course, this means you are rolling the dice, hoping the middle east oil supplies aren’t cut off, or that an EMP or solar flare doesn’t suddenly takes us out, or that the Earth, already proving it is really throwing out some strange weather such as mile wide tornados that stay on the ground for an hour or whatever, doesn’t decide to unleash a New Madrid earthquake or blow up Yellowstone. But look at the bright side, you can use her body as a bullet shield to buy some time as the marauders are attacking.

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Rick Moody, author of “The Four Fingers Of Death”, one whom I discovered by accident and writes wonderfully long and babbling works that take an entire week to read, being about a quarter of a million words, throws out a lot of disposable subplots which are joyous in and of themselves. Such as conditions in the near future southwest, with little economic activity, and with the Sino-India Economic Consortium still sending over junk items to the $9.99 Stores. And $30 a gallon algae bio-diesel. It doesn’t matter that we won’t, in all likelihood, see a functioning economy with that kind of fuel cost, let alone have a federal government that can send men to Mars, even with NASA being supplemented by the military and security sectors. The plot weaving all this together works well, and it its own universe makes sense ( we are dealing with a bacteria that allows animated severed arms, after all ). I just really liked the ten buck stores, as it titillated and amused me. And so, rather than bore you with another list of items you should buy at the 99 cent store for preps, I would like to humbly present for your consideration the concept of the junk warlord.

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In less than lucid moments, as survivalists gather about the campfire after a day of running through the woods shooting at ZOG targets, unwinding from the labors of feeding magazines into semi-autos, there always comes a moment when the subject of looting comes up. Primarily it involves acquiring yet more semi-automatic carbines. As I tell everyone at the job, loud noise equals the perception of work ( or in the case of our intrepid future Mongol horde kings, the illusion of fierceness and military prowess ). National Guard armories are usually suggested. After all, the security guard there is more than likely built of the same material as our patriotic airline groppers ( as an aside, these clowns are obvious hung out to dry as a distraction, and for all those parents howling over six year old Rebecca being felt up- BAD, BAD! Worst parents, ever. You friggin idiot, you thought taking your child flying was a good idea? After all the escapades in the past such as grandma being strip searched? Are you serious? You are either an idiot, or a bad parent. Thank goodness your child was traumatized so that she can grow up hating and paranoid about the government, because you sure did a crappy job teaching her that. I feel bad for the kid, I loathe the TSA for “just doing their jobs” like the good little SS Nazi’s that they are, just protecting Der VasserLand, but I think the parents are equally to blame ). You can face minimal opposition as you raid the place. Alas, there will be fierce fighting from OTHER idiots such as yourself trying to take the weapons. Which are all over in Iraq anyway. Forget the National Guard armory.

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The next suggestion is usually the local gun store. Like every other inbred banjo playing, third grade graduate has already thought of. Sure, a few first cousins might get distracted on the way over ( you sure got a purdy mouth there, Billy Bob ), but there will be a heck of a lot of folks showing up to fight over the birdshot and AR’s. Don’t join that stampede. Next, folks wonder if they shouldn’t go storming the grocery store for last minute supplies. Which is already stripped bare two minutes after the disaster is announced. Just think back what kind of damage a mob will do in civilized times when a storm is on the way, and now multiply that by ten, at least. Forget going to the grocery store, the food distribution warehouse ( not to be overly insensitive with racist overtones here, but Jose who works at the warehouse with forged ID because his citizenship is in the process of being evaluated will inform his cousin Javier the drug dealer about his job prior to a disaster and the gang will head straight there for an inside job of looting before you even think about raiding the place ), or even the rail yard. Which might or might not contain grain cargos. With your bad luck, you will be fighting other groups for tankers full of worthless toxic chemicals. Forget food. If you haven’t stockpiled grain and beans for your posse beforehand, and armed them with $69.95 jobber cost Russian bolt guns and twenty-two cent rounds of ammo, you have no hope of survival now. Guns and food, from the 7-11 to the Wal-Mart, from the Big 5 store to the police armory, all will be hotly contested and fought over. You need to go somewhere that no one else is thinking of, to raid/loot and steal for the embryonic new government ( individuals steal, government appropriate and tax ). Send a scouting party to the public library and/or Borders book store. If there is little opposition, secure that resource. Even the fiction books. You will thank yourself later. But most of your force should head to the dollar store. Few others will be thinking about it, least of all the fed and armed groups. Think about it. All other retail stores will be fought over. Ammunition impact damage, fire, items crushed underfoot. All items will be damaged or dispersed piecemeal by crowds. But the dollar store, from its shelves to its cavernous back stockroom, will yield dozens to hundreds of each item of mass produced, impossible to re-create items.

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You can sell off the items such as candy and plastic toys, but by putting back the over the counter drugs, shampoos, toothbrushes, socks, fishhooks, bandanas, kitchen utensils, bleach, diapers and baby supplies, and all the rest, by stashing it until they are rare and sought after goods, you assure your group a future income source. With minimal to no opposition for its acquisition. You will be a foreseeing and cunning king, indeed.

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