bug out bike

BUG OUT BIKE


Most of you can’t wait to make your $600 a month SUV payment, with $100 insurance and $300 worth of gas use a month. Hey, who am I to judge? Enjoy yourself while you can. That status symbol, while causing your hair to fall out, your arteries to fill and your liver to be eroded by the necessary alcohol to dull your senses, allows you to buy and/or rent a trophy wife. Who is to say you aren’t happier than I am? I’d actually wager you are, all joking aside. My stress level on minimum wage is probably almost as high, if not worse, since I don’t see a corresponding monetary compensation ( more on that below ). But at least think about this. Ride a bike part time, perhaps on the weekend or one day a week. IF gasoline becomes too high, if in actual fact my paranoia is at least partially correct, you’ve gotten the equipment, and are in better shape ( your wife will love you if you are rich and fat, but she’ll love you more if you’re rich and in shape ) and you have a better bug out plan. You all know I frown on bugging out. But I know you frown on not living in the city and making said trophy wives salary ( don’t get all friggin butt hurt like I’m blaspheming Baby Jesus- your charming personality doesn’t equate to security which doesn’t exactly draw the fly’s to honey. And bitches, don’t get all self righteous. Even if you are so wonderfully independent now, wait two seconds after the collapse and see how well your ugly ass attracts a breadwinner ). Spending thirty grand on a bug out vehicle with a bike on board as a back-up is retarded. Just plan on the bike itself.

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As I’ve said often, unless you are the first one to bug out, it isn’t a viable plan. But, if you just go by bike, you have certain advantages. Besides being limited to around five hundred miles at most, if you are in good shape ( even a lard boy can do eight miles an hour on flat land and keep that up for hours ), and needing to pre-position all your supplies, and not being able to mount a squad automatic machinegun to a roof as seems to be so many folks plan, you gain the advantage of being flexible in where you drive. You can actually go across country rather than be funneled into an ambush using a road. Look, we don’t have to see eye to eye on motor vehicles. Just ask yourself if, by your unnatural erotic attachment to your car, are you blinding yourself to other transportation possibilities? I’m not saying you need to be a BMX stud and go racing around in the dirt. But you can take otherwise congested roads and beat the speed on the stop and start cars. And don’t tell me how dangerous bikes are and how safe you will be in your vehicle. Car jackers dispel that myth every day. As long as the car can’t run over you, you can gain the advantage with maneuverability. Just pack a bag with water ( and filter ) and jerky and strap on a shoulder holster and your odds should be about even with the expensive four wheel drive Yuppie Survivalists. Use the no-flat type tires ( go back to the comments section of “Iron Mule” article for the company name ) and ride a single speed bike so the only back-up part you need is a chain. No need to complicate it. This is a “two-fer”. A working bike in case of gas disruptions, and in shape to bug out on it if needed.

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Work is kicking my ass. Bending me over and violating me without lube ( No Lube, No Kiss ). Riding me hard and putting me up wet. I’m not altering the publishing schedule of this blog, but it came damn close to being terminated today. Not to worry, that happens at least once a year when things start closing in on me. I almost wish I still drank. But of course then I wouldn’t be so clear headed, rational, dare I say, exceptional. Did he just go there? Damn straight, Skippy. I calmed down a bit and took this article home to finish it up. Hey, the article is going to suck, but at least the daily quota is made. A minion was asking me to recount my LSD experiences, even if it had nothing to do with survivalism. I’m thinking he wanted to pinpoint the moment I saw Through The Mirror Darkly and got as weird as you all think I am. Okay, some of you want to know why I’m not talking about stockpiling ten thousand disposable diapers ( yes, the idea was met with just enough skepticism over at Rawles to distance themselves, but not enough to upset the Holy Writ That Is Middle Class America Reproduced In Perpetuity After The Apocalypse ), but those of you can piss off. Let’s talk about cool hippie stuff!

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As you all know, and don’t tell me you don’t, especially you prim and proper older gals who I’ve heard wild rumors about back in college, the acid in the Eighties sucked elongated engorged monkey member compared to the good stuff back in the late Sixties. By the time I got around to trying to alter my consciousness, the crap was low dose and full of impurities. It was merely a casual recreational tool ( taking it allowed you to drink all night long without passing out, as one benefit ). My only hallucinations were usually seeing a waving rainbow as I was peeing ( hell if I know why, but it happened more than once ). Although, my first one was pretty awesome, an upwards spiraling huge snake as I was listening to The Doors “The End”. That wasn’t scary, just totally bitchen Bob. So, sorry, you can’t blame my current mental state on acid flashbacks or bad trips. Hey, for all I know I have an alien implant that is using my admirable visage to sway the masses into saving themselves. Although, if that is the case, they sure screwed up. I keep telling people, you piss people off when your hair looks this good. The envy is ugly. Or, perhaps acid did do something subconsciously. I was really into Robert Anton Wilson and Pink Floyd back then. You don’t even need LSD with those two, so maybe the combo was lethal.

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Would I still be dropping acid and smoking bowls today if the penalties weren’t so bad? Hell, yeh! Damn kill-joys. They unleashed AIDS to stop The Sexual Revolution, controlled the LSD trade to direct the movement away from spiritual revolution, make weed illegal to derail the Alternate Energy Revolution, and in general make us all uptight asshats.

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