more bike musing

MORE BIKE MUSING

( a short notice was posted earlier today- scroll down past this article to read )

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Don’t think I can’t hear all the moaning and crying and heavy dramatic sighs going on here as you read this articles title. Ooooh, Jim, why must we hear about bicycles again? Why can’t you talk about how my favorite plastic carbine will be replenished by the Magical Logistics God so I can fire it forever and ever? Why can’t we talk about how my SUV will receive critical engine parts from collapsed undersea radioactive factories in Japan? Come onnnnnn! I want to talk about how my sheetrock and plaster quarter million dollar McMansion will be heated to a toasty 76 degrees long after the Saudi Arabian kingdom is a smoldering ruin occupied only by a few Bedouin tribes on camels. Silence, puny minions! You shall learn from all my wisdom on muscle powered conveyances, for you shall one day soon be forced to heave your quivering flabby frame onto a bike to get to your under minimum wage sweat shop job. At that time you shall shoot smoldering, evil looks of resentment and envy my way, blaming the messenger as if it is my friggin fault you didn’t pay attention earlier, go out and buy junk land for under the price of one ounce of gold, a few Russian bolt guns ( you know how I feel about them, but I do love the price ) with ammunition and buckets of wheat. And start to get in shape on a bike ( shut up about the kids! They love bikes, and they will love the fact that each gender group gets their own trailer away from mom and dad- the boys can while away the dark hours lighting farts and the girls can do whatever it is they do, I don’t know, have midnight tea parties or some such crap ).

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The sad and pathetic fact is that the collapse will not happen fast enough for most of you. You envision driving around in comfort one day, your concealed pistol safely and clandestinely hidden behind a big piece of hanging flab, going home to your trophy wife who won’t take the kids and leave you if you keep the room temperature mall level, buy her shoes every ten days, sign over your paycheck to her and only ask for your testicles back once a fiscal quarter ( you can look at them behind glass in their Mason jar, but you can’t touch them ), and the next day the Federal Reserve and federal government have magically disappeared and as your one megawatt generator keeps the freezer running, the air conditioner humming and the vehicle chrome deluxe automatic shiner charged up you can fight off zombies with your super deluxe plastic arsenal. WRONG!!!! You will sink deeper and deeper into debt, trying to keep your trophy wife happy ( which was proven by renowned scientists in rigid and unquestionable experiments to be physically impossible for even a millisecond ), losing hours and benefits if not the job itself. One by one your assets will be seized while you are still responsible for the balance of their debts. You will be ridding a bike to work, or to the unemployment office. Accept this fact now, or just shoot yourself after sending me all your liquid assets ( and, for the record, I have no problem accepting plastic carbines- I’ll sell them and use the proceeds for real rifles and some more wheat ).

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As you’ll remember, I had a beach cruiser bike ( no gears, brake by pedal ). In a year and a half, I sunk about three hundred bucks into that turd trying to keep it going. In the end, I gave up and went to a seven speed with pad brakes. Both are fat tires and fat frames for my dirt road driving. The reason I switched was that it was becoming impossible for the bike shop mechanic to find parts for the cruiser ( specifically, the innards of the pedal crank ). Parts for the geared bike were much easier to find. Alas, after another year and a half with the new bike, I’m not sure I made the greatest trade-off. Being American made, rather than from China, the bike is much better built and goes longer in between problems. But I’m not saving much money. The derailer and replacement cables ( I’m sure all the dirt acts to shorten parts lives ) cost $125. And after one year I had to replace a wheel. So I’ve got over an additional two hundred dollars into the new bike ( initial cost of cruiser, $100. Geared bike, $300 ).

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And here’s the thing. I still have to worry about flat tires. So I was starting to ponder another way of doing this bike thing. I don’t know if I will, as I’m trying to save money for next years “trailer into a covered pit” project, but I’m trying to maul it all over in my head. Would it be cheaper to go back to a beach cruiser? If I replaced it once a year, could I get away with letting all the little stuff go unattended? I’d have to replace the chain first thing, that only lasted about four hundred miles. But other than that, I could, possibly, ignore everything else. After all, the crank lasted past a year. I can’t remember if the rear wheel did or not, but most likely it did ( even if it doesn’t, I replaced the geared bikes rear wheel for $60 after only a year- you can’t have wobbly wheels with the brake pads- so even if it became impossible for the bike to last past nine months, I’m still ahead of the game ). And, I could put the solid no-flat tires on the bike. Yes, I know I don’t recommend them as they make the bike ride much rougher on washboard dirt roads ( less shock absorbing than the air in tubes ) which could break up parts of the bike.

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But, if I’m replacing the whole bike every nine to twelve months, would that matter? I’m not concerned with the cost of the solid tires. Even at $75 each, that is a bargain compared to the $28 it costs in labor and parts to replace one inflatable tube ( remember, I pay the mechanic as I have no heated work space to work on the bike ). In theory, if I’m right ( I still remember the fiasco of the earth tube trench, so I’m aware of the fallacy in some of my theories ), I spend $100 for a bike, $10 for a chain, $150 for two no-flat tires. After that, it is a mere $100 a year ( I’ll just ball park it from the experiences of our intrepid southwest correspondent Vlad and call the lifespan of the tires five years ) for half a decade. Right now, I’m spending an average of $250 a year for biking PLUS the tube cost ( I’ll be conservative and call it two a year for $50 extra ). Almost $30 a month ain’t bad at all, less than the cost of insuring a motor vehicle. But, I’d be much happier spending only $11 a month on this potential plan.

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And, as a bonus, you might save enough that you could buy one of those Chinese motors that assist the rider, cost under $200 and get about 200 miles to the gallon. Sure, they are junk, and I’d only buy it if you could get someone to work on them cheaply, but for us aging geezers, they might come in handy. Just beware they are disposables, not serious tools. But, hey, if it quits working on you half way home, you just pedal it the rest of the way. Compared to a moped, which you must walk home and push much more weight. At five times the cost. They might go a ways to convincing you to actually get a bike, also. They won’t be able to be fueled much longer, but it could be baby steps to get you off your car addiction ( note- when you are run over by a car, don’t blame me. Even walking on the shoulder, a drunk on a cell phone could veer off and smear you. There is no guaranteed safe transportation ).

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My e-mail is jimd303@netzero.com
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