merry humping christmas

MERRY HUMPING CHRISTMAS


Dear Santa, Merry Humping Christmas you overweight tub of lard. You know I’m not too fond of Christmas, but I’m willing to reconsider my objections if you can fulfill my list. You haven’t gotten me diddly spit for the last few decades, so I think we can all agree that you owe me. Turn about is fair play. I’ve seen you give the ex wife a new Mustang a few years ago, on my dime. And you’ve given that big eared bastard in the White House ( doesn’t he kind of remind you of a Ross Perot with a tan? ) which is here without a Green Card all kinds of goodies like vacations to Stockholm to get a Nobel Prize for stealing my money and giving it to the central bank. I’m sure part of the cost of Bill Clintons cigar was from my paycheck. So, really, can you be cool and try to listen to my wish list this year?

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First off, not to be too greedy or anything, but I’d like a buttload of Kugerrand gold coins. And yes, I’m doing you a favor here requesting the South African gold. Everyone is so butt hurt about being politically correct that they don’t want to buy any precious metal tainted by that White Boy country, so the mark up on those is less than the communist China Panda coins or most other branded gold. Which brings up the definition of “buttload” which you can take to mean “more than I’ll ever need for the rest of my life”. When you are procuring that much gold, the $20 or so per coin add up real fast. Next up, I’d like a mountain of my own in the middle of nowhere ( not in a really cold place like Alaska, or in a place that has a jungle at its base- I think in the Rockies probably ). Fortified concrete fortress, please. A real bitch to attack, even if you could get up the mountain to it. And a natural source of water. No shrinking glacier. And I don’t want the construction to have been done by a Mafia owned firm. No substandard building materials. In that fortress I’d like a decent arsenal. I really love my Brit bolts, but I wouldn’t mind switching over to German made HK-91’s. Plenty of mags and ammo would be nice.

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Of course I’d need an army of minions, but I imagine that recruiting later wouldn’t be too much of a problem. So we can leave that for now. What I would like right now is a harem. Not that I ever really want “strange”, but in numbers I gain several advantages. First, if one gets uppity, I can kick her to the curb and bed another. Second, and much more importantly, if there is more than one hanging around, they can converse and socialize with one another and leave me the heck alone. I’m too darn busy to be acting as entertainment to the wife. And no plastic Barbies. I want all natural appendages. First off, the fake boobs aren’t the regular wonders of the universe but pale imitations. Secondly, I don’t want to have to worry about any leakage and silicone poisoning. Health problems will be bad enough after the collapse.
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Santa, I can think of a lot more that I’d like. But I’m not wanting to reach beyond your grasp. This is just the basics to prove you still love me. Please don’t disappoint me yet again. You know I’m tight with Baby Jesus ( no, I can’t ask him since that time I brought Olympia beer to our monthly board meeting ), so don’t make me narc on you for being a tightass bitch.

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Now, you all know that I still love the Druid Dude, despite our polar opposite viewpoints on the collapse of civilization. I love him for the time he recommended one of the best non-fiction collapse books of all time, “Overshoot”. And I love his logical arguments ( except for the possibility of quick collapse, he has few blinders on ). This week he ragged on people and their irrational attachment to fantasy to bolster their privileged positions ( you think you got it bad since your house lost half its value? Try living in a Third World craphole with machinegunning bandits chasing you out of your mud hut ). I have to once again recommend his blog, The Arch Druid Report, for your required reading. Despite his flaws in reasoning ( he seems to confuse the inability of people to forecast collapse with the ability of Mother Nature to take away the marbles and go home ), he gets things right more often than wrong. He has quite a few valid points to make.

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Okay, I am within thirty pages of completing Harry Turtledoves new book “Supervolcano: Eruption”. I really enjoyed the book, but I’m still confused if it is a post-apoc book or just a disaster book. This is another one of his multi-volume series, so he could go either way. The first book doesn’t let you know. He hints plenty at the potential of future shortages ( hard to have the Midwest grain or cattle delivered for consumption if they are under a few feet of ash ), but hasn’t taken it past that. The near end of the book is still just days past the eruption of Yellowstone. You can tell, so far, that the research is basic Wiki info on ancient eruptions and the experience of the Philippines with motor vehicles and the ash in the air. Whether he can draw a complete logistics argument remains to be seen ( for instance, it would be cheating, and unrealistic, to assume foreigners have enough food surplus to ship enough to both coasts ports to replace our output. I’m already a bit leery of his use of refugee camps with enough MRE’s to go around ). As I said, I enjoyed the book, regardless of how it turns out- if it is part of our genre or not. I’ll get the next in the series as soon as it comes out and let you know what I discover.

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